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Post by LightHeart on Jul 6, 2010 18:05:24 GMT -5
this is a good start baby-doll, but don't you think you should slow down? Your doing a 100 mph yourself with this. don't be afraid to take it slow. Just sit down and let inspiration come to you naturally. and most importantly, don't write when your sleepy. If you feel it's needed take a nap before you write.
Sleepiness+typing=crappy writing sometimes.( this is from experience)
not that I'm saying that this it crap. It's just that your not realising the potential you have with this. Try to be more descriptive and you large words as well as synonyms from repetitive words. This is one of the main keys to writing,(most of which I myself am still learning)
Don't take this completely to heart. This is your story and write it the way you choose;I'm just heard to help smooth out the ride.
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Post by Amayasama on Jul 6, 2010 22:18:43 GMT -5
^^ I agree with Light, don't take things too fast. Now this doesn't have to be completely true (we are writing fiction XD) but if a rock were to go that fast it would kill our poor main character, unless she had some sort of superpowers. :3 Now I'm just trying to help, so do not get upset over this dear ^w^ We want to take this nice and slow x3 Give a little background to your main character before you introduce another character. And Light is right, if you write while you are tired it usually doesn't come out the way you want. (Personally I gotta be hyped up on caffeine if I'm tired and have a need to write XD) ^^ Just a few pointers dear!
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emily13
Knight
Nanananana Dendeyyyy!
Posts: 274
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Post by emily13 on Jul 6, 2010 22:35:45 GMT -5
WARNING: USE OF RANDOM MADE-UP METAPHORS.
A good start! But I must know moreeeee! Details are your friends! Remember that, and you'll hold people's attention like a super magnet. This sounds like it'll be epic, but things are zipping by like those jerks with fancy motorcycles at 2 a.m. *cough* ">.> so add some filling to this pastry!
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Post by ezzabezza on Jul 7, 2010 14:18:35 GMT -5
Name: lorelei
sex: female
Age: 13
Hair colour: black with a few red streaks
Hair style: long and striaght usualy has a side fringe over right eye
Body: curvy
Personality: short tempererd and dangerous when prevoked! cant trust any one.
Experiance: lorelei's parents abandoned her when she was young, she stays in touch with her brother who is fighting in the army. Every one is scared of her and tries to avoid her.
Name: Jackson
sex: Male
Age: 14
Hair colour and style: shaggy brown hair
body: slim with muscles that's not BULGING out of shirt
personality: cheeky, in your face, overprotective ;D
experiance: Parents fight every second but he's used to it... or so he says...
((okie dokie this is a brief discription of the main charas, lorelei and jackson))
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Post by ezzabezza on Jul 7, 2010 15:15:23 GMT -5
jackson sighed, another boring day of his boring life. His parents gave him another episode of their ever lasting bickering this morning and- "JACKSON.TEE! PAY ATTATION!" screeched miss. moany, the teacher and yes her name was infact miss.moany!
Today was friday, the last day until the weekend. Only... 5 hours and 20 minuites left until his freedom! well, freedom for 2 days.
"now class, geography" began miss, moany "geography, YUCK" thought jackson aloud "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" the whole class turned round to face him "heh...nothing miss" miss raised an eyebrow "miss what jackson?"
"miss...moany" sniggers echoed round the class room "jackson 10 lines: i will listen in class. you know where the paper is"
"yes miss"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
only a short one today, tried to add humour. hope you like it ^^ ;D
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Post by ezzabezza on Jul 10, 2010 8:09:23 GMT -5
"pfft, wimps" mumbled lorelei as two more people scurried out her way every one was scared of her but she never found out why?. As she walked past a house she saw a child and her parents sitting by the fire "parents... who needs them" a single tear sild down her cheek, she quickly wiped it with her sleeve and carried on walking. It was late and no clouds in the sky revealing several glimmering stars. An uncharacteristic smile tugged on lorelei's face, it was times like these when you just needed to chill out and relax.
There was one star in peticular that caght lorelei's eye, it was so bright and it seemed to come closer and closer. That was when it hit her, it was coming straight at her!
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Post by ezzabezza on Jul 10, 2010 15:58:33 GMT -5
lorelei stared wide-eyed at the bright light 'what are you doing standing here? RUN!' she thought but before she even had time to lift a foot the light was hovering over her. A green spotlight shone over her, then darkness.
0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
lorelei awoke with a start, was last night just a dream? Out of the corner of her eye lorelei saw a line of red, she scraped a bit off and tasted it. It had a coppery taste and within seconds lorelei knew what it was. Blood. 'wow, must've hit my head pretty hard huh?' she thought aloud. Slowly she sat up and rubbed most of the blood off her head. She looked around, everything seemed...different?
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Post by ezzabezza on Jul 11, 2010 12:25:52 GMT -5
jacksons p.o.v
I woke up this morning to my parents shouting at each other agian. Do they ever stop?! Anyway, i truged down the hall and met my dad. He didn't look happy! "hey wazup Dad?" I asked casually "Son" he put his hand on my shoulder "i'm araid me and your Mothers relationship has come to an end" I just stared letting the information sink in "W-What? y-you Can't!" Dad took his hand off of me "I'm Sorry Son" was all he Said before exiting into the next room (the Sitting room)
"I can't Deal with this Right now!" I thought, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I grabbed some of my savings and ran out the house "why can't they just get along?" I said as I raced to the park. Little did i know how much my life would change after this trip!
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Post by manynames on Aug 28, 2010 9:45:18 GMT -5
Poor Jackson, I knew how it felt when my dad left.
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Post by ezzabezza on Aug 28, 2010 16:09:41 GMT -5
i'm so sorry to hear that *glomps you* thanks for the comment  |
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Post by ezzabezza on Aug 28, 2010 16:13:26 GMT -5
I might continue with this story, though, i'm not sure because there's no point in writting a story if no one likes it  |
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Post by natalie on Aug 28, 2010 16:34:59 GMT -5
I like it!! Please continue
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Post by manynames on Aug 28, 2010 17:36:11 GMT -5
I like it as well. And ezzabezza, my dad may have left but I received the best step dad I could have.
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Post by Amayasama on Aug 28, 2010 17:43:22 GMT -5
Aw hun as long as you like it and enjoy writing it it shouldn't matter how many people like it :3 If you enjoy writing it continue writing
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Post by ezzabezza on Aug 29, 2010 6:58:58 GMT -5
aaw thanks you guys! :3 i didn't think i would get any responses! Ok I'll try to continue with this one
__________________________________________________________________
Lorelei's p.o.v
I looked around me at all the different surroundings, the sight was breathtaking yet horrifying!
Tall thick stalks surrounded me, they seemed to glisten in the light and the cool breeze made them dance gently along with it.
Throughout further examination I noticed something wiggling beneath the mud, I crawled over to it and pulled the earth away from it.
Underneath the ground was none other than a huge spider! It blinked at me with it's eight eye's then slowly climbed out of it's little 'home'. I just stared at it until something snapped, I grabbed a chunk of wood and chased after the little critter trying to hit it and shouting 'Die! Die! Die!'
Jackson's P.O.V
I sat down on the closest bench to me and wiped the tears from my face. "why does this always happen to me?" I asked myself.
Sighing I closed my eyes and leaned back a little bit. It was time's like these that you just needed to relax and think things over.
'If they've broken up what will happen to me? Will one of them move out? If so then who will I live with? Am I going to the same school? Will it all work out in the end or will I die unhappy? Daa! This is too much!'
My eye's shot open when I thought I heard something but when I looked around I saw nothing I sighed again and went back to my shower of thoughts...
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Post by manynames on Aug 29, 2010 8:14:25 GMT -5
Wow who knew Lorielei would be that brave to hit a spider.
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Post by ezzabezza on Aug 29, 2010 8:49:36 GMT -5
Yes, I think that's one of the most bravest things she's done! |
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Post by manynames on Aug 29, 2010 8:55:43 GMT -5
And I somehow have the feeling that she's going to freak out when she sees the peoples' size.
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Post by ezzabezza on Aug 29, 2010 13:39:16 GMT -5
She maaaaaay do >D *evil laugh*
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Post by bookwormgrl101 on Aug 29, 2010 16:02:35 GMT -5
I love it so far ~<3~ I can't wait to see what happens when she meets the giants XD I think she'll get scared  but i can't wait to find out  |
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Tis Amaya from everywhere! *flails* x3 
but i can't wait to find out 