Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Sept 26, 2009 22:30:23 GMT -5
*This is my first story, so it might be weird. Warning: blood and swearing*
Darkness. That's all that greeted me when I opened my eyes.
"Arrgh...What did I do last night..?" I mumbled as I got to my feet and began walking uneasily around an unknown surface. I didn't get far, seeing as I slammed my face into a wall.
"OW!" I yelped. I felt the 'wall' and discovered that it was a cardboard-like surface. This was when I started to freak out.
"Is anyone out there?! I have to get the fuck out of here!!" I hollered at the top of my lungs and beat my fists against the cardboard until the flesh was ragged and oozing blood. This took about five minutes to happen. I stopped to suck my blood from my wounds and as soon as I was about to start again, I heard music. No, not the heavenly music that you hear before you die. This music was pop/rock n' roll and it was loud as hell! I covered my ears in vain. I'm pretty sure they started to bleed. It lasted about two minutes and then it stopped. I yelled out again,
"CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?!!?" Nothing...Until there was this loud thud and earthquake-like steps. I started to fear for my life for the very first time. There was a tug and the 'roof' slid off, making me almost crap myself. With enough light, I was able to see my surroundings. I was inside of an abnormally small shoebox. And that's when I heard the god-like voice, shaking me to my core.
"Ah! You're awake?"
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Post by natalie on Sept 26, 2009 23:07:40 GMT -5
really great start! Really intense, please continue!! I like it!!
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Post by giantblackcat on Sept 27, 2009 1:31:38 GMT -5
^w^!
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Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Sept 27, 2009 10:32:14 GMT -5
*Here's the next part*
I wasn't sure if I should even look up at the source of the voice. I was an atheist, but I became positive that if I did look up, I would be face-to-face with God. After a long pause, the godly voice said uncomfortably,
"...Uh...Hello? Uhh...Can you..? Aw screw it." This time I turned around. The result of this action was me seeing five fucking oak tree-sized fingers coming at me with great speed. I screamed like a girl for the first time in my life. The fingers wrapped themselves around me, tightly but gently. I could only guess what this fucker was going to do to me.
I started to elevate out of my box. We were going up so fast, the pressure made my ears pop. I suddenly stopped and the hand opened up, allowing me to stand on an oily palm. I was shaking horribly, but stopped instantly. I could feel large gusts of moist breath hitting me from behind. I clutched a muscle pad on a nearby finger, causing the titan to giggle like a school girl.
"Aw, that's precious." He then twitched his finger, propelling me backwards. I finally turned around to get a good look at my captor. What greeted me were two dark brown eyes the size of (what I'm guessing) two SUVs on top of each other. This startled me so I jumped back. The titan noticed what I did and seemed to know why, so he moved his head back. There, I got a better look. He was easy on the eyes, with black curly hair and a slender face with a smile that seemed to relax me for a moment, but I snapped back into reality. And I mean I SNAPPED.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! WHERE THE FUCK AM I?! WHY AM I SO FUCKING SMALL?!" The smile he had was gone and I thought this would be it. But, nope. He simply took a finger on his hand that wasn't holding me and jabbed it into my stomach. The pain was unbearable as he said in a dark voice,
"Now is that anyway for a lady to talk? I suggest you watch what you say around me, unless you want to be punished." I shut my mouth right there. He took the finger off of me and continued, "Now, what's your name?"
I said gingerly, "A...Anna..."
He put on that relaxing smile again, "That's not a bad name. My name is Joe."
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Post by Satal on Sept 27, 2009 12:20:49 GMT -5
Wow this is getting interesting! Good job! I like detail... so the subtle details you added were great. Your dialogue is good too.
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Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Sept 27, 2009 12:33:44 GMT -5
Thanks Satal!
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Post by natalie on Sept 27, 2009 14:17:25 GMT -5
This is great!! I like it!!
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Post by Neon on Sept 27, 2009 19:17:32 GMT -5
Hmm, this is good for a start. You've got a good bit of mystery to open with, yay. =D
I noticed a few things that you could maybe work on. Your pacing is a little bit fast ... transition from one idea to the next is rushed. There's detail, certainly, but let there be more. There is so much potential; I think each of your sentences could be expanded to five (and we'd all love more story, of course!). On a GT-specific note, keep the scaling consistent. The description of the eyes versus the hand is what threw me off the most (the scale based on the eyes' description would be about 1:144).
You have a quirky writing voice. It's almost conversational, but still properly narrative in the right places. There are fun details here and there, always good to see (more please! =D ).
And someone get a bandage for that girl's hands ... >.o
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Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Sept 27, 2009 20:34:14 GMT -5
Got it Neon. I'll do what I can, but this is how I write.
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Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Sept 28, 2009 19:09:26 GMT -5
*Next part.*
I winced suddenly and I looked down and remembered that I have demolished my hand, pounding on the cardboard. I touched it. Bad Idea! I screamed in pain. I found out the painful way that I had broken my hand. Joe jumped back when I screamed, causing me to fall down ONTO MY BROKEN HAND!
"GYHAAAAA!! FUCK MY LIFE!" I yelled. Joe looked like he was going to cry. He put me onto a shelf and he started to freak out.
" Oh God, Oh God, what do I do?" He started moving around the room, trying to find anything to splint the hand. As he fiddled about, I tore a strip off of my shirt and wrapped it around my hand very tightly. Blood had already started to seep through the cloth. Joe came back and started to say that he couldn't find anything, but stopped when he saw the cloth. The last thing I saw was him sighing in relief, and then I passed out.
"Please wake up...Please...Anna..?" A disembodied voice pleaded as I reawakened. I opened my eyes and a gargantuan face loomed above me.
"Uwaaaa!" I yelled out. I must have been delusional from the pain because I jumped up and I whipped out my knife that I always kept with me. The face rushed back in shock. I began hissing like a wounded animal. I blinked. Once, darkness. Twice, reality. I shakily put my knife away.
"J...Joe..?" He looked at me as if he had just seen a murder. His mouth was moving, but words weren't coming out. Realization struck me. I whispered to myself in concern,
"Oh, Jesus...Did it happen again?" My attention suddenly turned back to Joe. I had to change the subject from that ordeal, so I belted out the only question on my mind,
"How did I become like this? Tell me!" He looked away from me, as if he didn't want to look at me.
"I don't know. I found you like that and I knew I had to take care of you before he discovered you." He explained.
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Post by Neon on Sept 30, 2009 23:02:42 GMT -5
Got it Neon. I'll do what I can, but this is how I write. Oh my ... please don't think I'm attacking you or anything! D: I wanted to give some constructive feedback ... the kind of feedback I'd like on my own work, mind. Your story is lovely and I do enjoy reading it.
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Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Oct 3, 2009 21:06:22 GMT -5
*Here's the next part. Enjoy!*
"He? Who's he?" I questioned. Joe looked very uncomfortable, as if having this conversation was painful for him.
"It's nothing. Nobody." He then moved very quickly away from me. It was odd because he was acting like he was afraid to say who it was. Joe then went into what I think was the bathroom. He also left the front door to the room open. Let us calculate this chance, shall we? The giant who is holding me captive is stupid enough to leave the goddamn front door open for me to escape. Chance of escape? About 90%. Should I take it? Hell yeah, stupid!
I knew this was my only chance to escape. Due to me being stuck on a several stories high shelf, if I jumped, I would be dead in minutes. I looked around to see if there was anything to possibly prevent my death. Boom, piece of string... Meh, better than dying. I tied the string to a handle of a drawer and the other end hung down limply. I began sliding down it like a pole. This action killed my already broken hand and made me cringe. My feet landed on safe (maybe not so safe) ground. I wasted no time. I darted out of the room.
*Sorry it's so bad. I was rushed because I have to eat dinner now! Bye Bye!*
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Post by natalie on Oct 3, 2009 21:44:46 GMT -5
Yahoo, she escaped!! Run, Run, great update!!
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Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Oct 3, 2009 21:53:06 GMT -5
Thanks Natalie!
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Post by natalie on Oct 3, 2009 22:28:38 GMT -5
Your Welcome!!
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Post by brokenrobot on Oct 4, 2009 15:23:35 GMT -5
I love it when stories have little bits of comedy mixed in with the serious parts, keep going!!
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Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Oct 4, 2009 15:48:12 GMT -5
Oh I will, brokenrobot, I will. Thanks a lot!
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Post by Neon on Oct 4, 2009 22:06:45 GMT -5
Sweeeeet, more of that conversational tone. Love it. It makes the story a true narrative-style epic. *Points* JOE, she's running away. ;>>
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Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Oct 4, 2009 22:08:38 GMT -5
Joe: What the...? Hey!
Me/Anna: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Thanks a lot Neon!
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Bloodcore
Knight
What runs through all peoples veins, I will spill.
Posts: 256
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Post by Bloodcore on Oct 4, 2009 22:12:37 GMT -5
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